Throughout the walking of my process it keeps amazing me how easy it is to blindside ourselves. At first – of course – the shock at the amount of thoughts that actually run through my mind ALL OF THE TIME. I mean – how did I not notice they were there?? There were so many of them, it literally didn’t stop. How could I not even realize that this was happening? Then the emotions and feelings – once I started becoming aware of them by paying more attention to them, I started for the first time actually feeling the intensity with which they move through my body. Lol – I remember clearly the first time this happened – it was a moment of thinking I had done something ‘bad’/caused consequences for someone. It felt like an energy tsunami AND a tornado going on inside me at the same time. Oh – and then there’s the physical awareness, the first time I actually felt my period pains. I would have cramps and some pain before – but not like that! I was in class and it felt like someone just punched me in the stomach while sitting on a tiny boat on stormy waters and all the seasickness that comes with it. I had to actually leave the class and go home, because I felt I couldn’t handle it.
But even still – after having walked through a lot of my mind (or did I just scrape the tip of the iceberg, who knows?) – there’s so much I don’t know or see until I know/see it. Here also with possible solutions – not seeing something that could be a solution, because I just hadn’t considered it or had an idea or point of self-interest I was protecting to not go that route – instead of actually looking at it in self-honesty and so seeing the solutions that is here. And then there’s all the convenient ‘forgetting’ of things, where so often there’s a slight resistance to it or a ‘not wanting to’ – and then I just blind myself from it as though now it is not there.
What do they say again? Ignorance is bliss? But is it really? Because it’s not because you’re blinding yourself from, say, an experience – that it’s not there. It’s not because you’re ignoring the beggar on the side of the road that you didn’t take notice of him and that it didn’t sting just the same – it’s just that you’re not there for yourself to support yourself through these experiences.
I would also get upset with myself for not seeing something/not being aware of something – but I mean… it’s going to happen. There’s so little we’re really aware of – when walking this process from consciousness to awareness, it’s what you sign up for: to become aware of what you were blind to before and take responsibility for it. So – rather change it from anger to gratefulness – because in the end, you know – you actually always wanted to see.