I wrote an article about the Holistic nature of reality for the Space of Grace blog, sharing my understanding and perspective on what is needed to introduce change in the world. While writing it, I realized this is not a simple or straightforward topic. So, I’d like to take the time here to open up some more dimensions I’ve looked at in relation to this and how I’m working with it, approaching it and looking at it currently.
The article I am referring to is Holistic Wellness – We are the World and this World is not Well – if you haven’t read it yet, I suggest reading it first for context.
I’ve found myself over the years swinging back and forth between ‘focusing on helping others/creating change in the world’, ‘focusing on myself’ and ‘trying to balance and doing both’.
It’s a tricky point.
If we simply focus on “the big world problems”, we easily lose sight of ourselves, our personal process, what we’re actually doing, participating in, accepting and allowing on a personal level. We feel so ‘driven’ and ‘passionate’ and ‘righteous’ in our vision to create the change we want to bring through, that it easily becomes a veil, a justification for ignoring the issues we continue to accept and allow in ourselves and our lives. We lose sight of the fact that ‘we are the world’ and that while we may be doing all these things to bring about a more harmonious world, if we’re living with an increasing level of discord, anger, resentment, discontent, frustration, apathy, depression, stress, disconnect, manipulation, deception, we’re not exactly contributing to the creation of more harmony/support/forgiveness/understanding/grace in the world at large. So often – when our attention is drawn towards ‘large scale issues’ – we conveniently don’t see where and how we’re not pushing ourselves to expand our level of responsibility within our own mind, being, body and towards the people in our lives. We end up accepting limitation.
At the same time, focusing only on ourselves and our own lives can become a cushy hiding place. A way for us to lose sight of everything and everyone else and ‘settle’ for a comfortable existence for us and our loved ones – where we tell ourselves that because we’re working on changing ourselves, we’re supporting change in the world at large and that ‘this is enough’. It’s a cringy experience, because we all know… it’s not*. Again, we end up accepting limitation.
*I’m oversimplifying here for a moment, more context on this further down
It ends up feeling like a catch 22 or a balance on a tightrope trying to not fall off either side. Working with the words ‘doing what is best for all’ aggravates this conflict and balancing act at times. Here’s some of the fuzzy logic I have applied in moments:
“If I’m working on all these large scale solutions, I am doing what is best for all.”
-->--> But if I’m in that process losing myself or my integrity then that’s not best for me, so how can it be best for all?
“If I do what is best for me and I am all as equal and one – then doing what is best for me, is doing what is best for all.”
-->--> But if I end up doing ONLY what is best for ME and lose sight for everyone else – then how is that really best for all?
As always, the question is not so much about what we do, but who we are within what we do.
I noticed that when I would be part of projects or initiatives for world change – often the vision wasn’t mine. I would mostly be in a position of supporting another to do what they see will bring about change that is best for all. I could ‘wrap my head around’ what they would explain and I would see once they show me – but it wasn’t something I had seen for myself, nor was it something I could see how to actually create without their support and direction. One of the big issues for me was that I had a hard time distinguishing what is ‘best for all’ and what is not – what is actually best when we take into account people’s individual lives and processes?
When I looked at where I was in my process with my level of understanding, my level of access, my level of ‘integration’ let’s say, and what is needed to understand, assess, see and speak in terms of ‘what is best for all’ – there was quite the gap. I didn’t see how to actually, factually live the words ‘do what is best for all’ in terms of my location point in process. I mean, I could project a personality of ‘I know, I see, I understand – hear me when I say this is best for all’, but it wasn’t ‘real’, grounded or authentic. So, when I looked at these words ‘best for all’ – self-honestly, the only way I could see I could START to live those words, was to use smaller scale situations and groups as my practice ground. Instead of asking myself ‘is this what is best for all?’ – I would ask ‘is this what is best for all involved’? I narrowed the scope from feeling like I had to consider people in Nigeria or Mongolia in my daily life decisions, to the people, animals and plants I could see and interact with in my direct reality.
Within and throughout this process of developing the habit and skill of considering what is best for all involved, a continuous question that kept being challenged was ‘Is this what is best for me?’. Of all the beings that would be involved or affected by a decision, how that decision would affect me and whether it was best for me was the one question I was in the best position to answer. Even so, with just me, it wasn’t easy and I had to learn (and keep learning) to answer this question self-honestly. It also pushed the point of communication, where – there’s often so much we don’t say and that others cannot see or consider unless we voice it. So, rather than simply assuming to know we have all the information about another, what matters to them, how it affects them, it serves us to actually ask and find out. Considering what is best for everyone involved often takes long conversations or group discussions.
At some point I realized that I had polarized ‘doing what is best for me’ and ‘doing what is best for all’ and that I had simply treated them as two different things that required two different sets and types of actions. I mean, yes, we can logically’/intellectually understand that if we do what is best for all, that includes me, so what is best for all is also best for me. And yes, we can logically understand that doing what is best for me doesn’t mean I have to give up on doing what is best for all. But within me, within myself – there was a split between the two. What is best for all and for instance initiating world change, was not something I could assess effectively, it required me to be part of another’s vision, movement, direction. Doing what is best for me was something I could directly test, assess, learn and act on. Once I changed my approach of ‘doing what is best for all’ vs ‘doing what is best for all involved’ and worked with this point in everyday life moments/decisions/dynamics, it became more clear and more obvious and more tangible that ‘what is best for all involved’ includes me and that I also have to be able to assess and voice what is best for me if I want others to be able to act in my best interest equally as everyone else’s.
I also realized that while I may not YET be able to assess what is best for all in an absolute sense, there is nothing stopping me from expanding this ability over time. It always starts small – doing what is best for both parties in a relationship, doing what is best for all involved in a family, doing what is best for all involved in a community, doing what is best for all involved at work. Then, when inspiration and opportunity align, I can start new projects, groups or organizations where I can again practice doing what is best for all involved in larger scales. In this way, I can organically expand my reach, my ability to influence and my ability to bring about change on bigger and bigger scales.
At some point I realized I couldn’t hold on to someone else’s vision of ‘what is best for all’ – because their vision was a direct expression and result of what they walked, what they saw and who they were. That’s not to say that they were wrong – and that’s not to say that I was wrong to be part of their initiatives, and projects, it simply means that I have to equally develop my sense and ability for integrating ‘what is best for me as what is best for all’. It means – if I simply hold on to knowledge and information of ‘what is best for all’ because that’s what another saw at a certain time and place in their location point – then ‘what is best for all’ becomes a static projected image that does not move, that does not change, evolve or expand. I’d be able to lull myself in a point of ‘safety’ of ‘I know this is what is best because so and so said so’ and I am apparently being a ‘good person’ for carrying on with their vision – but there would be a disconnect between what I am doing and who I am and what I see.
And that’s the thing isn’t it – it’s easier and safer to be a follower to another’s ‘big plan’ and ‘big vision’ than to foster our own self-honesty and stand 100% in responsibility and accountability for what it is that we do with our lives. That said – there’s a time and place for it. There’s so much that I did learn about myself, so much that I developed and specified in walking with another’s vision – that I might not have been able to develop on my own.
Focusing on my self-honesty, what I see, what I am able to assess, what makes sense to me, what I can dedicate myself to, what I can stand by – initially felt like a betrayal of the people whose vision I was trying to create before. Because for me to see with my own eyes, I had to let go of what they saw, let it all go dark. It felt like a giving up, it felt like a failure. When I looked at what I could see for myself, I didn’t see the same as the vision I had been holding on to, I saw something else, something that was more aligned with me, something less ambitious, something more readily do-able, something more ‘here’ for me. So, yes, it felt like it was a totally different direction, a totally different vision, a totally different goal.
As I gave myself permission to walk ‘my path’ in terms of what I could see – it was often unnerving because I could not see much, lol. I could see ‘some things’, I could see a few steps ahead, sometimes only one step ahead. But as I walked, my vision would expand, as steps were concluded and parts were completed, new ideas, goals, visions would open up, ways in which to expand, add on to what was created so far. I started noticing that while the scope of my creation point was rather small compared to the vision I had been helping to create before, I started to recognize certain points, certain principles, certain dynamics – I was on a smaller scale introducing, enacting, bringing to life and into practice many of the elements and principles that were part of the ‘big vision’ from before. In that sense, I wasn’t walking a totally different path, a totally different direction, a totally different vision, I was more birthing it AS ME – from my location point, within my reach, within my ability and as a direct extension and expression of myself.
To conclude, here are some points I learned about doing what is best for all and doing what is best for me, about self-change and world change, about expanding my reach.
Before recently I wasn’t ready to venture out on ‘my path’ – there was just too much fear, insecurity and immaturity. My path opened up when I was ready to see it and walk it. (With ‘my path’ I don’t mean that it was predestined and preordained, where the path is already there waiting for me and I just have to walk it. It’s more an option I could walk and create as I go.)
We’re each a different expression of life and whatever we end up doing and creating, let it be an expression of who we are. Inevitably, that will be different for each one and it’s okay for that individuality to come through. We don’t all have to hold the exact same note, we can resonate as an aligned harmony. This is not about everyone being unique as in ‘special’ – it’s simply that we all did live different lives, all had and have different vantage points and so also have different advantages in being able to bring through specific solutions or points of support.
What I am able to focus on, contribute to and create is not just about who I am, it’s also about where I am in my life. There are times in our lives where we can only do so much, where we can only focus on so much. During my pregnancy and after giving birth, for instance, my focus changed to being a mother and raising my daughter. It changed my focus to a micro-world of me and her. But while the ‘scope’ of my focus and responsibility in life and projects for a moment grew smaller, it also substantially deepened my living of these words.
Walking our individual points does not take away from walking a group vision – it means we see how to bring to life that group vision as ourselves, in ourselves and in our worlds in terms of our reach and capacity. It means we grow branches to the tree.
How we end up creating change in the world and to what scale is going to be different for everyone and it will be specific to each one. What matter is not so much that we end up directly seeing that our efforts reach a certain scale – but that who we are and what we do is aligned. Because yes, even if we only focus on changing ourselves, we are contributing to changing the world. If we can do more through joining or initiating certain points in the world – where doing so is an actual expression of who we are – great, let’s do it.
Last but not least – in all things – self-honesty first. We tend to know when something is ‘up’, when something is not quite right in our alignment or approach – let’s be sensitive to it, hear it, open it up – it doesn’t usually mean we have to drastically change direction, but need to look at our starting point or change how we do things.
All of this said – I’m still walking this point. This is how I am seeing and understanding it at the moment, it might all change… 🤪😉