There is one thing you can do to greatly improve your relationships with the people in your life. It’s not an easy change, I’ll be upfront about that, but it will make a huge difference.
Those moments where you’re thinking about someone because you’re angry with them and you just keep thinking of what they’ve done or what they’ve said – and the more you think, the angrier you become, and you try to also look at positive aspects of this person, but you always end up with the negative and angry thoughts again. It’s in those moments you need to apply the golden tip: and that is…. to admit to yourself that whatever you’re experiencing, it’s got NOTHING to do with them.
I know, I know, you have stories of everything they’ve done and you have your reasons and arguments ready that PROVE that they are responsible for what you’re going through – and yet… it’s still not about them. On some level we are all aware of that – we know that whatever we are experiencing inside ourselves, comes from us and that no one has the magical powers to flip switches in your brain and create an anger-cocktail. But in those moments when the anger is there and the thoughts are raving – man – it’s convincing! The ‘facts’ seem to fit – it feels very righteous to be angry with them and they definitely seem to be the culprit of that anger.
The mind is tricky this way – any emotion that you’ve been suppressing inside yourself can ‘present itself’ as anger – and then your mind finds someone to direct your anger towards and voila – you go on a rampage of backchat. You are convinced that all this anger has to do with that person and in the meantime, you’re missing the real point. You never find out what was really bothering you and you never even questioned why you were suddenly SO ANGRY with that other person.
In the meantime – your relationship with this person has slightly changed – even if you hide what you experienced from them and decide not to act on it – it’s become a part of your relationship – a part of your history with that person and on some level, it still influences how you experience them, now or in the future.
So - that’s the one golden tip: When you’re angry with someone for all the apparently right reasons – admit to yourself that it’s got nothing to do with them. As soon as you do – you open yourself up to discover the real origin-point of all this energy and you will see that you are at the center of it and so, you hold the power to change it. It always applies – so especially in those moments where you think that ‘this must be an exception, because now my anger is REALLY their doing’ – push yourself to be humble – even if you don’t believe it, tell yourself anyways: it’s got nothing to do with them – and see what opens up.
It’s not only going to improve your relationship with others – undoing and preventing conflict where none was due – but it will improve your relationship with yourself – because where you once remained blind, deaf and ignorant to your own cries for help – you now will be able to hear, see and help yourself. Win-win.
