LJ recently brought a cool point to my attention. I have a pattern where, when I am busy, I don't like to be disturbed. LJ will sometimes come to me and want to give me a hug or a kiss in a moment, and I will go into a slight reaction of being ‘disturbed’ with what I am doing, thinking ‘it’s not a good time’. If I am working on my pc, I will sometimes keep my eyes on the screen and kind of tilt my head and give him a quick smooch, while still looking at my screen for as long as I can and then immediately place my eyes back there, lol. So, obviously in those moments, I am not really here with him, having a moment with him, but placing what I am doing in that moment above him.
So, he brought this pattern up, showing that it’s not really necessary and that I can take the time of day to just move my attention away from what I am doing for a moment and then go back to it afterwards. I started justifying that when I am busy, I sometimes really just need to focus in those moments, because if I change my focus to something else, I will lose my thread. It sounded very reasonable to me, lol. But then he said I should look at how I am when Cesar comes in the room – where I drop everything and give him my full attention.
At first I wanted to reply with: “Yeah well... he's a child!” But, that’s when it clicked for me in that: if I can do it for a child, I can do it for LJ.
So, this opened up a cool point of checking who we are with different people and how we, with certain people, will almost ‘naturally’ express ourselves a certain way, but then we reserve that expression only for them and don’t express ourselves equally with others. What I realized is that Cesar ‘unlocked’ particular expressions within me, but, instead of accepting those expressions AS MYSELF and allowing myself to express them as me no matter where or with whom I am – I made it ‘about’ Cesar – defining those expressions within Cesar and my relationship with him. And that is exactly how we create separation in relationships – where we define ourselves and our own expressions in other people, instead of making that one small alignment of realizing: it is me expressing this, so it is a part of ME – and taking the gift that was received in participating with one person as an expression that was unlocked and expressing it as me with everyone equally.