This point opened up through PAIN, lol. Was not really aware something was building within me, but the pain prompted me to look closer and that's when I could see and remember very subtle movements that would come up and disappear in a blink of an eye, like a soft whisper at the back of my mind, a slight tightening of my breathing when remembering my parents are arriving soon, etc. But, oh boy, when you open up these subtle movements - there's so much there and the actual points are not subtle, small or insignificant at all - it's only how we experience them as small ripples against our awareness.
Self-Forgiveness is the amazing tool that allowed me to expand my awareness from these subtle reactions, thoughts/whispers, to uncover and see the experiences for what they are. Simultaneously, I also had the physical feedback that I was uncovering and releasing the points effectively, as I could sense the pains dissolving as I progressed with the application of Self-Forgiveness. I cannot recommend any tool of self-support more than this one.
Enjoy:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel and believe that I have to give account to my parents of the progress and improvements and successes I have made in my life, to justify the support they have given me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing my parents and fear my parents coming to me/into my life/my space/my world out of fear that they will say/think/feel that everything is still the same or worse as the last time they saw me/my life/my space/my world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that on some level, I am only living my life on a ‘lease agreement’ – where I was given the space to make decisions for myself, choose the life I wanted to live, but that if my parents feel that I have made bad decisions and that I am not doing well in life, that they have the right to pull the rug from under me, where I have to go live back under their roof, live by their rules and where they will start making decisions for me again.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and realize that my parents have never indicated that they saw me/my life in this way, but that this is an idea/belief/perception/assumption that exists within me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to on a more surface level experience it as though I want to justify my decision of coming to live on a farm in South Africa towards them, because that is a decision I made and they asked me: is this what you want? – but where I feel that it is not what they would have decided for me – and where, from that moment onwards, I have tried to prove to them that I made the right decision and that they were wrong for ever doubting me and my ability to make decisions for myself.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize and see that I am actually projecting my own doubts, my own insecurities and my own fears about my ability to make the right decisions and having made the right decision to come to the farm – onto my parents – feeling/thinking it is THEM who are doubting my decisions and my ability to direct my life, when actually, it is me who is and has been carrying those doubts within me about myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see and realize that I have been making decisions all my life, but only see certain decisions as ‘really mine’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear making the decision to go live on a farm in South Africa, seeing it as the first decision, marking this decision as the time from which I stepped away from my parents’ security – and more so the experience/feeling/illusion of security that comes with having someone else make decisions for me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to on some level, have thoughts, fears and doubts running that it was a bad decision to come live on a farm in South Africa, where we have no certainty in terms of our long-term financial security.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe that if I had remained with my parents and let them advise me on what they saw as the best path for me, I would not have been in this situation where I have no long-term financial security, thinking/believing that there are places in the world where financial security is guaranteed – when actually – it is more so that my experience of financial security always existed with my parents, where I simply didn’t have much awareness or knowledge at all about our financial situations, the economy, the interconnectedness and instability of markets – but merely assumed that – because we seemed to always have money and be fine – that if I had remained with my parents or simply in Belgium, that this would have continued to be so.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to – each time the moment draws nearer where my parents arrive for a visit – to participate in anxiety and fears about what they might see about me/my life/how they might perceive/judge it – where I will go and try to keep a score sheet, trying to remember how things were the last time they were here and compare it to how things are now, and whether they would see every change as either improvements or diminishments, and hoping that in the end the improvements outweigh the diminishments, so that I can impress them/show them/prove to them how well my life is going, that they have nothing to worry about, have no reason to remove my decision-making power from me, and see that I am capable of directing my own life.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and accept my ability to direct my own life and make decisions, and embrace the fact that there are areas/topics in life with which I do require support and assistance to make decisions, yet to also acknowledge that I have many sources of support in that respect in terms of the people in my life – where it is okay to not be perfect in being able to make the perfect/best decision at every turn and in every area of life all by myself – that I can and will make mistakes and that I will require support from others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have only ever lived/existed by the grace of my parents, ‘there, but for the grace of my parents, go I’ – where, for some reason that is at this moment still unclear to me, lol – I always believed that everything in my life will only ever be possible so long as my parents agree with it, and that on some level, I will forever be in debt to them – and where, at any time, they have the power and ability to call in this debt.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that my parents might say ‘you’ve had your fun, but enough now, we’re putting an end to this’ – and that I would suddenly see that I never really was ‘free’ to make my own decisions in life, but that I would suddenly find that I was only given a very long leash, which would then be tugged at to call me back home.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that it is simply ‘too good to be true’ that my parents would actually support me unconditionally within my life decisions, where they have actually given me the freedom to call the shots about my life, to bear the consequences if I make mistakes and to support me if I ask for it, without wanting to impose it.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that within holding this assumption/belief/thought within me about my parents, it is actually showing me a point in and of myself, where I haven’t yet developed my own ability to support another in their life unconditionally – where I cannot think/believe another would be capable of it, because on some level I see that I am not yet capable of it.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and realize that I am the one who is thinking of my parents’ consent and approval, that I am the one who is seeking for their acceptance and validation, where I within my mind am holding onto a relationship of dependency and limitation towards them, thinking I can only be certain I am doing well, if they say and think so too.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and realize that the grace and power I believe/feel my parents have over me – is only the grace and power I have assigned to them within my own mind in terms of my relationship with them, where there are words that exist within me that I have defined in relation to them/defined within them, instead of accepting them within me and living them for me completely.
Some cool points opened up here, will continue/expand in my next blog.