This blog-post is a continuation to my previous post ‘What is Family?’ – read that one for context first!
In this post I’m going to attempt to explain and clarify how the relationship between Leila, Gian, Lj and I is one of ‘family’, but in the sense of what family could be. As I said in my previous post, it was especially in seeing that the picture of the 4 of us was taken 7 years ago that I felt deeply grateful. So, let me start with opening up that aspect or dimension of family as long-standing relationships.
One of the reasons that family as it is defined today is seen by many as a supportive point, is exactly due to this characteristic of long-standing relationships. Whether you like it or not, you’re ‘connected’ to certain people by virtue of familial ties and that remains so for the rest of your life. Where a neighbor may once no longer be your neighbor and you may change who your best friend is as many times as you like – your mother will be your mother from birth till death, and the same goes for your father, siblings, uncles, aunts, grandparents, etc. Family in that context can provide a sense of ‘safety’ and ‘security’, a knowing that you will always have people in your corner, regardless of your actual personal relationship with them. These types of long-standing relationships are on the other hand not so easy to maintain in the realm of friendships. With friendships, your personal relationship with someone is all that is keeping the relationship in place – if there is conflict, the relationship can end, or if the relationship is not maintained, it is not easy to call on someone 10 years down the line and act like you are still part of each other’s lives, because you’ve both moved on. So, back to the 4 of us – why did it matter that the picture was taken 7 years ago? Well, from the beginning of Leila and I coming to the farm, the 4 of us ‘walked together’ to a point. Leila and I are sisters in the traditional sense and in opening up our relationship (which was riddled with conflict and all kinds of crap that you can expect from a sibling-relationship) – we saw we could also support each other in a real sense, because we were similar in many ways and could learn from each other in the points where we are different from one another. Gian and Lj knew each other for a long time already and had an understanding between each other that they’re here for each other as support. When Leila and Gian then started their agreement and Lj and I – we also simultaneously created this unit of the 4 of us that stands as a larger support. This was not something we specifically decided to do (at least not on a conscious level), it was simply how things moved. That ‘unit’ of the 4 of us was characterized by comfortability, support and enjoyment – and that ‘signature’ to call it that has remained stable all throughout these 7 years, it is still here today as much as it was on the day the picture was taken, or the day we first sat and talked in the Jacuzzi together on my first farm visit. Does that mean we never had our disagreements, conflicts and challenges? Of course not – but we walked through those and made sure we pushed for solutions and ways to move forward that supported all of us. So, when looking at the picture from 7 years ago, the gratefulness was in large part in seeing that: we all changed so much, we all went through so much, and we are no longer the people we were then, but we are all still here for ourselves and each other as much now as we were then – THAT did not change – and in looking throughout my life, I find this quite a rare point, I don’t think I can say I have experienced this before. So, can you choose your family? Sure, why not – all it takes is an agreement to be lived – and this I will expand more on in my next post.