This entry is part of a series. If you haven’t yet – first read ‘From Couple to Family – Part 1: Waiting in Anticipation’. The morning of the birth, I woke up to my alarm at 4.30 and I headed straight into the bathroom for my second bioscrub shower. After my shower we packed the last few things in my hospital bag, I put on my beanie and scarf and we headed to the car to go to the hospital.
Lj and I, ready to go 'pick up' our little one, lol.
My experience that morning was characterized for the most part by discomfort stemming from thirst and hunger. Because of the surgery, I was not allowed to eat or drink anything past midnight. I usually drink a lot of water, especially in the morning, so not eating or drinking anything was physically very uncomfortable. Funny thing is that during the night, I woke up at 11.57pm – 3 minutes before midnight – so I grabbed my water bottle and quickly got more fluids in before midnight, lol. I was hoping it would help in the morning to not feel as thirsty, but alas, it didn’t seem to have made much of a difference. When getting ready and during the car ride to the hospital, I was focusing mainly on keeping myself and my body stable. With not having had anything to eat or drink, my body quickly went into a state of stress. Not in extreme measures, more like a continuous ‘hum’ of stress and tension that was present. And from here, I had to make sure I was not reacting to my experience in my body. I could see it would be so easy to react in anxiety, fear or panic and in so-doing also bring emotional stress into the picture, which would just cause more strain on the body. So, I did my best to breathe and tried to relax, but there was a definite tenseness to my experience of myself that morning. In a way I’m glad this happened, it forced me to focus on being in my body and slowing down, and I didn’t have the ‘space’ within me to also go thinking about the surgery, the birth and meeting my little one. Once at the hospital, we announced our arrival at reception and could immediately go through to the maternity ward (yay to us for having all the paperwork sorted beforehand!). Once there, I was guided through a series of steps like taking my medical history, putting on the hospital gown, etc. I can’t remember them all, nor which order they were in. This whole preparation time I was still focusing on keeping my body stable with the hunger and thirst nagging at me.
When the anesthetist came by to introduce himself, ask me some questions and walk me through what to expect during the surgery, he also said I would receive a tiny shot of liquid to drink to assist with preventing nausea during the surgery – and he apologized for it. I was thrilled though at the prospect of having something in my stomach, so I heartily thanked him and said there was no need to apologize at all – then he said ‘wait until you taste it’ lol. When I received the tiny cup with the liquid, I first took a sip from it and boy, he wasn’t kidding, it had a terrible taste. The nurse told me to just down it and so I did. Interestingly, at having ingested that tiny bit of liquid and despite its unfortunate taste, my body instantly stabilized. To use an analogy – it felt like my body had been an ocean with waves starting to become bigger – the feel of a storm brewing – and after having drunk the liquid – it was suddenly a tranquil lake – no movement of unrest whatsoever – just calm and peace. Watching survival-shows, I always struggled seeing the people eat snails or worms, or whatever other grubby slimy stuff, just to eat something – but I totally get it now.
At the maternity ward before the surgery.
When I had imagined being in this situation with all these doctors and nurses being busy around me, while I was dressed only in a little hospital gown and my surgical team discussing a show, a game or what they ate the night before – my first belief was that I would feel overwhelmed, vulnerable and afraid, feeling like an alien in someone else’s world, feeling out of place – and worried that my surgery would not be done with the necessary care and focus. Yet, when actually BEING in that situation, it was rather the opposite. Seeing everyone in a cheerful and ‘ready’ mood inspired confidence that the people here enjoyed their job and so probably want to do a good job at that. The chit-chat of my surgical team was equally ‘comforting’ in the sense that the communication between the individuals flowed very nicely – showing me that they know each other well and work together well – a ‘well-oiled’ team. Seeing how they were all comfortable with the job and with each other, showed me I had nothing to worry about either and that I was in good hands. In terms of feeling out of place – yes, I was out of place, lol – this was not my familiar environment, nor did I really know anyone there – but I didn’t experience it as a bad or negative thing – on the contrary, I experienced a sense of ‘privilege’ in being able to observe the doctors and nurses in their ‘natural habitat’, loll, like I was bestowed an honor for being allowed to be a part of their world, even if just for a moment. So, again – I was blown away in seeing how my commitment to live the word curiosity in the face of the unknown had completely transformed this moment in such a way that I could embrace every part of it, take it all in, observe, learn and enjoy! Who knew the unknown could be such a pleasant place to be!! I will continue in my next post – thank you for reading!