In my previous blog, I shared about my experience of ‘homecoming’ when arriving in Panama. I had gotten here first with Lj and Syntia and in the first month, was thoroughly enjoying exploring the country, the people, and rediscovering parts of myself that I had long forgotten existed. I was looking forward to the other peeps from the farm arriving, sharing myself with them, and also excited to see what would open up for them in coming here – assuming that it would be the same or at least very similar to my experience. Of course, the experience of others wasn’t exactly like mine, or even the total opposite! You can read Leila’s blog on her experience here as an example: https://leilazamoramorenoblog.wordpress.com/2019/07/11/homesick/
I was so convinced that everyone’s experience was going to be just like mine – that when it didn’t turn out to be that way, I didn’t quite know what to do, and more so, I didn’t know what to do with myself in the middle of it. Like, how to now enjoy and express and share all the awesome stuff I was going through when others were not in that same ‘space’ as me, or even quite the opposite. And of course, I also started doubting myself severely, thinking that I must be missing or suppressing something to not ‘feel as they feel’ or ‘see as they see’.
Even though I was finally surrounded again with ‘my peeps’, I suddenly felt really alone.
When I first started walking my process, I kept on being stumped at how similar we all are. When people would share their thoughts, their fears, what keeps them up at night, how they talk themselves into things, or how they talk themselves out of them – each time I thought I could have written that. Funny to think how we all obsess over ‘what people will think of me’ – when we’re all busying ourselves with the same stuff in the secret parts of our minds. With having opened myself up to sharing myself and entering this community of people who were walking the same process of taking a look at who we are and how to change those parts that aren’t honouring us, I hadn’t considered the point of ‘aloneness’ in a long time.
Sure – I ‘knew’ we are each one alone in our process, in our bodies and each one alone responsible for what exists within us and how we direct ourselves in our lives, but it stayed as a ‘knowledge’ thing – it hadn’t really sunken in as a realization, let alone an acceptance.
So, when being confronted with the vastly different ways each one experienced and processed what seemed like a ‘similar change’ in our lives, it really hit me that I am alone within me, and that even people I share a lot in common with in certain aspects, I can be like the total opposite of in other aspects/moments/situations. It woke me up to a complacency in my living, like I never actually stepped into that aloneness and owned it in the sense of accepting that I am ‘one of a kind’ and so, what is best for me may not be the same as what is best for others, and within that, I hadn’t taken 100% responsibility for myself, my life and my decisions – but would be ‘happy to settle’ for what the majority wanted/saw/decided.
The word ‘alone’ exists so polarized in most of us – where we tend to on the negative end of the spectrum fear isolation/rejection, having no support or understanding whatsoever, or believing that there is something ‘fundamentally wrong with me’ – whereas on the positive spectrum we’ll more use the word ‘unique’ or ‘special’ to say we don’t conform to the masses or we are different, but in a good or superior way.
But what about accepting aloneness as a fact?
Most of my process up to now I’d been working on showing myself: Look, you’re not alone! There are so many people who go through the exact same things as me, struggle with the same things and enjoy the same things! Look, there is so much support available if only I reach out and ask for it when needed! Look, these are not fickle relationships, they have withstood the test of time!
And yes, all these points are valid. But there are also points wherein we ARE alone, wherein, for a moment we may have no one to turn to, where we for a moment cannot share or even put into words what we’re going through – and there are points where what we see/how we experience something is going to be different from anyone else you know and you’re not going to find an easy way to cross reference what you see, or a decision you’re about to make.
So, I’m walking a learning process of seeing ‘what is what’ – where am I walking alone because I have to in order to honor myself, where am I isolating myself unnecessarily out of fear, where am I being contrary to feel ‘independent’ and ‘unique’ when it doesn’t actually serve anyone, where am I compromising by not hearing my inner voice enough and leaning too much on others’?
In the context of Desteni – we walked as a group in a specific way for a long time – and that supported tremendously in terms of where we were at. But we’re now more moving into the individual points of creation phase of this process, and each of us will need to tune in more to our aloneness to see how we can be a pillar in a way that is most supportive in terms of who we are, the process we have walked and what we are able to gift to others.* These individual creation points will be unique and specific to each one, we won’t be able to compare, we won’t be able to copy/paste what another is doing. While we still stand as a group and a support within the simple point that we’re walking a similar process, we also have to come to grips with our individuality and aloneness, accept full responsibility for ourselves, our lives and the paths we choose to walk, while embracing a new level of independence.
Together alone.
Cue the music…
* You can reference these group chats for further context:
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